Sunday, December 18, 2016

Life in the Express Lane: Holiday Hell

Ah, the holidays...that joyful time of year when all retail workers everywhere are asking themselves why. Why am I still doing this job? Wasn't my New Years resolution to be free by November of this year? What happened to my 'rob a bank' scheme? Just think, I could, at this very moment, be wearing an orange jumpsuit, collecting trash on the side of the freeway.

I could definitely be doing something easier, and more pleasant. Like working at the zoo, shoveling the elephant poo. I do like elephants. Beautiful, majestic, beasts. I bet they don't talk much either. None of that, "Are you ready for Christmas?" B.S. which inevitably starts the day after Thanksgiving. No, "It's getting slick out there, bad night to be driving." Then why are you here? Oh, wait, I know the answer to that. Two inches of snow in Portland equals, snow-apocalypse. All out panic, in the stores and on the highways. Better stock up, in case you're snowed in for a month. I mean, it could happen. Really, it could. You've seen The Day After Tomorrow, right?

So, at the first mention of snow, before a single flake has fallen, everyone head to the grocery store, stand in long, long lines, and then, when the clerk is finished with your $487.67 cart full of groceries, ask her/him to find you the one item you came for and must have. And don't forget to inform the clerk that it's cold out. And the roads are icy. And you really hope she doesn't have far to go because she's probably going to end up stranded on the side of the highway, where she'll be kidnapped by the abominable snowman and dragged into the Himalayas to become his love slave. Or, maybe, do to tell the clerk that last one, because she's tired, and sore, and bored out of her mind, and could use a laugh. But please, don't point into your full cart, say "Would you believe I only came in for a loaf of bread?" and laugh as if this is the most hilarious thing she/he has ever heard. It isn't. Trust me, it isn't.

On that note, Happy Holidays Everyone!


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