Saturday, September 27, 2014

Life in the Express Lane

So, you think you’re being original….hahahaha, think again.

Here are a few of my favorite often repeated lines, followed by the things I wish I could say in response.

The first one is for Jill.

You’re just waiting for me aren’t you?

“Do I look like I'm waiting for you?" 

"Actually I’m waiting for hell to freeze over, because that’s the day when I will give a cheerful response to this question.”

“Yes! Thank you, thank you, for relieving my boredom. My entire existence revolves around waiting for you to make my day complete by gracing me with your presence.”

“No, actually I’m deep in thought, reflecting on my life wondering where I went wrong that I am here, standing in a checkstand preparing to answer, or smile and not answer, your stupid question.”

“No, I’m waiting for Brad Pitt. Have you seen him?” (I think I’m actually going to use this one.)

Or the truth,

“Actually I was planning the next scene in my book and I’m annoyed at being interrupted, which I know is wrong, since I’m being paid to be here, so I’m going to smile and be nice because I actually do believe that customers deserve good service, and not just because it’s my job.”

How do I pay cash?

“Hm, well let’s see. First give me your name, rank, and serial number, plus your mother’s maiden name, and then recite the alphabet backwards and give me the date of your first period, or your first wet dream, and then hand me the f---ing money, you moron!”

(Okay, I admit that’s a bit extreme. But really people. Think about it.)

Are you staying out of trouble?

“No, actually I robbed a bank this morning. The cops should be arriving any time now, but until they do I’m continuing to wait on customers because there’s nothing I’d rather do than try to think of a clever answer to such a dumb question.”


“No, actually I threw a watermelon at the last guy who asked me that. His body is in the freezer next to the salted caramel ice cream. When someone finds it, I will be in serious trouble.”

Wow, the belt moves. I’ve never seen it open and close like that.

“Yes, it does. I flip a switch to make it open. I flip the switch again, and it closes. It is an amazing feat of engineering unlike anything else ever created by man.”

Okay, that’s enough for now. 

Have a nice day!

I wonder how many times a day I say those words? I am so unoriginal! Maybe I should forgive my customers for their all too human unoriginal-ness.


(Yes, I do know that unoriginal-ness isn’t a real word. I made it up. I do shit like that.)


  1. Tammy Tammy Tammy--you need a vacation!!!! LOL!!!

    1. After so many years vacations don't help anymore!

  2. Tammy,

    Wicked funny! You need to be writing romantic comedy ... and if you are, when can I read one? I would pay big bucks for a book with a smart-mouth groc checker like this as the heroine!

  3. Thanks Cathryn, so glad you found it funny. I should have written about my job a long time ago. My contemporary, Playing House is being edited right now. My plan is to have it out on kindle by the end of the year. My main character isn't a grocery clerk, but my beta readers are enjoying the funny parts.